There are times I lack flow,
There are times when I feel so heavy
All I can do is close my eyes
And give myself to me
Over and over again….
There may be no more beauty
than a sledge hammer.
There may be no more passion
Than a piece of cardboard.
But what is left in this moment?
What is left when all is peeled back
When I come, I sit in this place?
Me- prepared to face truth.
I needn’t act in any way
I needn’t impress others
I needn’t talk to anyone
I may just be here in all of my shit
In all of the self talk, in all of the ugliness
In all of the unmistakeable truth
And here, here I sit, here I breathe
Here, just here in my humanness
Learning to love all there is right now
To love all the fears, the ugliness, the broken bits
Being okay, being okay with just being okay.
Just me. Being just me. Exploring just me.
Featured art by Graham Dean
Click here for my latest meditation to support yourself right now.
Exposed for all to see
Truth cracks me open like an egg
The yoke of my heart ablaze
I am burning, burning, burning……..
Would it be ‘un holy’ to desire
Would it be ‘un holy’ to want to fuck?
Would it be ‘un holy’ to feel my skin standing up-
As if pleading for more of a delectable taste or touch…
Would it be ‘un holy’ to want to experience and explore in this world?
Would it be ‘un holy’ to actually live the life I wish to live?
Would it be ‘un holy’ to embody my desires, be truly aware of them?
Rather than to pretend they don’t exist and shove them back down again
This world can be so dry, so ‘pure’ in it’s piles of cowardice excrement
That the truth gets masked over
Gets watered down.
Get’s diluted so as to not shock, or alarm others,
To stay as a ‘good girl’.
To not ‘rock the boat’.
When truth rises to the surface, and it will….
When it detects the putrid stench of hiding
This is a time for raw, honest truth- or else it is in vain
And we fall back asleep again with a thousand woes.
To accept and surrender to who we really are,
What we really want,
Or to go on that path of finding out just what that is-
Without influence or conditioning placed upon us
Is perhaps the easiest translation of the ancient wisdom
Left for self realisation to know thyself intimately
And claim all parts left hidden in the shadows or underworld.
Sometimes it can feel like you would like someone else to just step up and make really hard life decisions for you. Sometimes, the truth underneath it all feels like a fear to take the wrong step, the wrong decision, the wrong path…. And so, it can seem like an eternity standing in one place, hearing the potent whispers of what is on the other side, but knowing there is a mountain to cross first.
What if there is no wrong step in life, and we’ve been fed a lie to strive for perfection, to figure out what we want and ‘go for it’, to ‘settle down’…..
But life…. life doesn’t run according to the rules in our own mind of how it should look. Perhaps life is meant to be humbling, meant to break us to feel our core, to let the light in, to allow love into every part of us, to have deeper relationships with ourselves and others…..
It’s all okay. To be still and not step is okay. To step in a direction is okay. To run in a direction is okay. It’s all going to be that mountain. Breathe. Stay with it, be in it, learn from it.
Each path you choose, whether stationary, slowly moving, or sprinting, will give the opportunities for the lessons your life will bring.
Be in the present….. Practice being in the present….. Allow the exploration and living to come. Trust yourself and your path. Enjoy your life. Change the things you can change, let go of the rest. Don’t waste time worrying. Practice being in the moment. The future really is the unknown. So live… Taste more, touch more, smell more, feel more, allow yourself to feel joy and happiness in the midst of chaos. This is your life.
I surrender, Oh I can no longer put up the walls before truth
Of love, of the ultimate connection
Of passionate embodiment, of laying alone,
Of being touched by that which cannot be explained
Of that which flows through my body,
Of that which I denied for lifetimes
Of that which no longer harbours denial.
No, take me beyond-
So far beyond that I am deeply, oh so deeply embedded within myself.
So that there is no separation
Oh, use these hands to do your will,
Use my eyes to dwell upon what I must,
Use my heart as a doorway to you
Use my body for deep connection
Take me beyond the smallness
I may wish to keep or my own egotistical reasons
Take me beyond, far beyond.
Let my soul touch and be touched by you
Let me serve you within me and without me.
Let there be a sacred connection, a bond, a knowing
That can never be spoken, such is the truth.
Let me serve the unknown, rich and potent.
I am yours…..
Featured Art by Jeffrey Lohrius
Written by Elise Heyward
Floating yet grounded, Being touched deeply within Yet not at all Beauty caresses and engulfs me As I stand exactly where I am In a time warp of entangled time Tapping into desires unmet Truth stabbing into my being Like a long lost lover From a long lost dream…. Twisting and turning, Haunting me like a solo violin Cutting through the thick air- Of excitement, anticipation and fear…. A whisper echoes, traces of something A scent left lingering The energy felt An inner stirring of a life once known A deep remembering, a knowing Rising to the surface Wisdom speaks and says ‘be patient’ And so, I sit. I breathe this fire Up and down and around my body Igniting and fuelling every crevice I am alone- yet intimately connected Truth lies in timelessness- In the gentle reminder All will be revealed in time Or perhaps not at all- Let go:- Be still, and feel…. Be still and feel….. Be still and feel…..
Life. Love. Your world…. What does it mean to you? If you knew you had only a short period of time to live, how would you live life differently?- Would you live it differently? Would you be so concerned by what others thought of you? Would you somehow find a way to be more truthful? Would you alleviate those feelings of regret that lie deeply beneath the numbing, the busyness, the need to make more money, or have the perfect house/ boat/ or car? Would you possibly be more open to those things that scared you before, knowing your end is looming?
Seeing myself within my deathbed, as a reflection (as a meditation practice), looking over my life as it plays over in my mind, I can see all of the places which were not in truth so far. Things where I tried to ‘fit in’, or ‘belong’…. where I tried to impress others instead of being how I really wanted to be. Where I was running from myself and my own many truths I wouldn’t dare tell anyone else about in case I would not be accepted within my own family, friends and extended circles… so afraid of being the centre of gossip. Since doing this practice I have been able to see clearly my truths I once ran from- the powerful life exploding ones (that I’m in the middle of now) and the small seemingly inconsequential ones. I can open and share these things with my closest of friends. No one judged. They listened with openness. They helped me, wrapped me up in a warm blanket of support and supported me to be myself wherever I am, whatever the situation.
We all have something, no matter how minor it is, there are secrets within. Perhaps this path we call our life is to learn to accept our imperfection and little idiosyncrasies that make up our gorgeous authenticity, not to mention the energetic blueprints we all come in with as well (but that’s another blog). Oh, I have a vision of how each person who accepts themselves, ALL of themselves- is their own beacon of light, slightly different shape, or vibrancy or colour- but there it is, the acceptance of the wholeness, beautiful messiness of the human imperfect life within each of us. The bits we don’t like or wish to change, the parts of us that deny and judge others, wanting us to simply reclaim those parts that exists within us which were suppressed and we resist the rising of the surface of. If we look at things this way, perhaps the concept that we are all connected isn’t so difficult to comprehend?
“Doing this deathbed practice has helped me to no longer run from the judgements I feared from others. I realised that I was the one leading this within my own head. I needed to accept all of me as it arose, whether it fitted in within societal norms or not.“
Doing this deathbed practice has helped me to no longer run from the judgements I feared from others. I realised that I was the one leading this within my own head. I needed to accept all of me as it arose, whether it fitted in within societal norms or not. Whether things I chose to do with my life fitted in with my mentorship and previous training. Whether it aligned with the spiritual community’s expectations of me by even becoming a mainstream meditation teacher….There were so many things that needed to be let go, dissolved, seen and accepted by myself. It is divine timing now, that it is my turn to let go and step into what I am most aligned to do with my soul right now. And that’s letting everything go in my life that no longer resonates, that is no longer my truth. Letting go, despite others opinions. Letting go even though I can not see the road ahead clearly. Trusting and stepping. Trusting ands stepping. I don’t know about you, but I need to live aligned to what is most truthful for me. That is living and directs me which way to turn and when to step.
If you have things come to mind for you, this practice of visualising yourself close to death may help you, too. Now I see things that I ran from as trivial, as things that do not matter in the scheme of things. Add it to my life lessons so that I may share this with whomever. Who knows if this may help another?
The concept of time fascinates me…. do any of us truly know how much time we have left? That is the beauty of life- the unknown. No matter the money or job you have- death is the great equaliser and one that we run from. How do we know it isn’t a great release, beautiful and serene? We don’t. Imagine getting to the inevitable knowing with a soft, sweet smile, with the thought echoing within your mind you truly LIVED! You gave it a shot. You learnt heaps. You loved courageously. You surrendered to life and let it have its way with you. You allowed the energy within to tantalise you, to inspire you, to connect you more than you thought could have ever been possible. What an adventure…. Now it’s time to rest, brave one, rest in love and connection….
NB: this practice is intended to empower the individual rather than create anxiety. If facing the ultimate fear- death before physically dying, it can create the willingness to face things in life that pale in comparison.
Keeping meditation teaching real, bringing vulnerability and truth to the moment is so vital to keep in alignment to be of service whilst teaching an important life skill. Perfectionism will go by the wayside if we can just relax and be our authentic selves giving permission for others to do the same.
I have been contemplating what meditation is and isn’t, to me. I have had extensive training in the more esoteric background and have now come into the actual learning of different meditation techniques and gaining the qualification to teach meditation to others. What I realise I do when I guide and teach meditation is merge the two teachings together. The pearls of wisdom from my previous esoteric teachers, gathered in chaotic circumstances to uncover truth in every moment and to live from this place, with that inner connection and embodiment is gorgeous and amazing. The stillness that came with some, or most of the techniques in meditation helped me to sink roots deeper and allow higher vibrations to more consciously flow through me in the delicious, deep and patient meditation methods. So that I could really steep in my own essence, witness myself with passionate intimacy and open my mind and body into a suppleness I haven’t experienced before in my life. From studying these seemingly opposite modalities, I can see how they both are a part of a continuum of ONEness. It is creating a beautiful merging of two opposite worlds and is simply enhancing my absolute respect for both modalities.
The more feminine approach is of letting go of restrictions, of embodiment, movement, to allow chaos, flow, rawness, beauty, power, grace, and love be a part of your life. Truly embody it and allow its expression to be present. To experience the plethora of different feminine expressions within each one of us there is a need to be willing to journey into a space of letting go of control for a period of time whilst being guided by the facilitator (at the start). This is opposite of what many western cultures, and in fact many cultures teach- which is control, balance, restrict, silence, not make a scene, don’t express the full range of emotions- truth in the moment. This is often seen as ‘uncivilised’ and archaic, as if we have evolved from this type of behaviour…. but have we really evolved?The basis of these teachings I previously spoke about revolve around the fact that it is energetic- the feminine. It is called shakti in the yogic tradition as the energy that moves form- the masculine. But, over thousands of years traditions have opted to serve only that which could be seen- the masculine physical world. So the feelings, emotions, energy within and around was ignored.
The teachings taught in the Occult traditions kept the flame of the relationship between the feminine and masculine energy alive. Focused on Oneness, in these teachings, both the energy (feminine) and the physical (masculine) were equally worked with. It was known that if energy is suppressed it doesn’t go anywhere, it is stored in the body. Furthermore, this can cause disease and illness in the body. The feminine practices work to release stored energy which presents itself as pain, tension, or perhaps it hasn’t become represented in the physical form yet. So the energy clearing occurs by allowing the body to simply release what it needs to release, by moving the way it needs to move could prevent the physical expression of this, and act as a preventative or a stress release of pent up energy, kind of like pressing ‘re-boot’.
Ancient Egyptian Cults played a huge role in continuing the energetic thread of this ancient wisdom. It is in the balance of these two extreme energies that we can gain balance- not from stifling them, or restricting them with how we perceive ‘awakening’ should look. Relate this to today, even meditation teachers fall under the pressure and culture of how they themselves should be. Now that I am adorned with this mysterious piece of paper giving me the authority to actually teach meditation to others, I have felt the energetics of the need to behave calm all of the time, or be perceived to be calm all of the time. That isn’t me. In this environment? During a pandemic? In lockdown with my two children? I have my personal practices which help me better parent and handle emergencies when called upon, but I do slip from time to time. I am human. I am perceiving in some circles some ‘acting’ other than what is true in the moment. My devotion is to stay real in the moment.
One thing to keep in mind is that there is no perfection in meditation. It’s a practice. Sometimes you go deep, sometimes you don’t. Honouring what arises wherever you are at in practice or in life is the perfection in it. Meditation teachers, or in fact even esoteric facilitators can get caught up on how they ‘should’ be perceived. What I feel is more important is truth. Is to show the humanness, as well as the amazing essence and divinity of someone. I can chat and even be telling a story before a meditation in my own authentic voice and expression that is relatable and HUMAN (sometimes I get excited and swear a little)- my point is, the sense of belonging can be shared. When it’s time for teaching and guiding meditation that ‘HUMAN ME’ slowly drains away and the depth of the practice comes in and service of the divinity or light, within a person and within the room is surrendered to in the moment, based on the energy of the room and who is present, we flow into a meditation aligned with this. Then after the meditation when everyone who wishes to share has shared, then I’ll chat and laugh and tell stories again. It’s a sacred union of humanness, ego and personality WITH connecting to something more than that…. just sublime….
Show me a meditation teacher who has done the work on themselves and I will see his or her authenticity. Being OK in their own methods, and styles, with life experience to have the maturity to hold space and willingness to learn from whatever is presented when it is presented is a must to gain the trust of those who are willing to enter the unknown with you. Humble to know it is the teachings, not themselves the people gather for. Devoted to getting their own ego out of the way to serve with sincerity, and devotion something higher than themselves within the room and within each person gathered. Leading by example only to reveal the truth that meditation is a tool to aid in the path of life- essentially entering the unknown and getting to know and connect to oneself in this amazing and often difficult process. It doesn’t matter which method you choose- masculine or feminine or bridging the gap between them, all can if taught in an intentional way, take you deep into connection and knowing thyself.
There are times when this is not always the case, for example some inherited diseases and illnesses, however doing a regular practice of what feels good for the body the soul has taken unique to each person, will help to reduce the ailments of the body in this instance. It is not simply a matter of moving the body and allowing it to subconsciously take care of things for you in the feminine. At least that hasn’t been the case for me, with two children to stay present for. I feel that we have evolved the masculine parts of us in this culture for a reason. Yes, there are distortions and the creation of patriarchy which has its faults, but we have the opportunity to bring consciousness or clarity to our lives. So, doing meditation under the more masculine method of witnessing, stillness, quietness is a perfect companion to the uncontrollable sometimes wild expression of the feminine.
For me, in my own practice, I cannot do one without the other, it feels like something is missing. The masculine helps us to live in this world, to be present to ourselves, to hold space for ourselves when things get difficult, to be witness with love, to act on plans and get things done out in the world. We need a healthy dose of this. But, in my teachings, there’s a gorgeous sacred union of diving equally into both, a cohesion. What one lacks, the other provides…. and vice versa. Oh, it’s such a beautiful path to walk on.
I was contemplating after having my first night out with the girls dancing ‘just because’ and having fun for over fifteen years, what happened? Where did that time go? How did I wind up taking myself so god damned seriously? Oh, oh… responsibility. Kids. Marriage. Sleepless nights. Money woes…. oh, yes. I forgot…. But I did realise what inhibits me from being more present in my life now. I realised what I think about like a hamster in a wheel, constantly returning to set patterned thoughts within my mind. It revolves around still putting pressure on myself for things to look a certain way or wishing things could be different. Then I go into fix it mode. I spend more energy on trying to handle the situation so no one gets hurt. No one is put out. No one thinks little of me….What a waste of energy! When I was out, dancing to a dodgy band in a club with my old school friends from a ‘short’ time ago, I could feel my body come alive. Like CPR paddles jolting me alive with every beat the drummer played. The sweat forming, my muscles working to move me in whatever way my body felt called to be moved, and me pliable to every beat, note and chord felt. Letting the music move and writhe and sway my body which was slowly coming back to life…. The words: ‘Live, Live, LIVE’ echoed through me and reverberated like an endless thunderstorm deeply within as it pulsed through my body- the earth. Oh, to let go of control and let my body become the music…. sweet, sweet surrender…..
Here is a message for me that I got as an undercurrent when I was out. If it is for you, too then great!
‘It doesn’t have to be a quick snap- a quick change. Just step one step closer and when you know it’s time to step then do so. Do not force yourself to step based on others opinions, wait for that drum, that thunder inside to tell you. And that pressure you put on yourself on how things ‘should’ look, or how you wished things could be different….
This is it. This is your life.
So LIVE it
Whatever situation you find yourself in.
Live. Live. LIVE.
In the mud. In the heart break.
Live. Live. LIVE.
In the mourning. In the turmoil.
Live. Live. LIVE.
There is more to you.
So much more…..
Go inside. Feel that more.
Let go of control.
BE IN YOUR LIFE.
FEEL YOUR LIFE.
RADIATE YOUR LIFE.’
Wherever you are at with your soul path, it can be hard. But LIVE anyway. There is gold even in the shitty bits. Well, I’m reminding myself of that so I thought I’d remind you too.
To being real. To being authentic. To being here for ourselves in our precious life.
I’m here. Turning up. Who’s with me?
Let go…. let go into the night sky
No different from the expanse of the ocean….
Somewhere between the two,
In the space where the ocean and sky meet
Is where we rebirth- you and me…
Floating with both above and below
The invitation on the swell of the ocean
And the touch of the gentle breeze
Both praying for the same thing:
They whisper in unison,
From above, and from below
Poised in timeless, weightless space:-
“surrender, open, merge, allow…
surrender, open, merge, allow…
surrender, open, merge, allow….”
For there is more than what you see
More than just making money,
Or upholding the norm….
More than the friends you have
or the family you’re from…
The sacred mysteries come,
Come knocking and inviting,
Patiently inquiring and merging
within the depths of your soul.
“Is there more?” You’ve asked yourself before
And to this the answer you shall have
when opened to explore…
Courage is to open, to feel to trust
In the path not revealed,
but rather constantly unravelling…
But oh, what an exciting life awaits
On the other side of fear and restrictions.
More than a mere temptation,
And more than you’ve been told exists….
It beckons and becomes too loud to ignore
It’s down to choice and a willingness to see
At how passionate, and full, and sweet life can really be…
Sweat sizzling the body, breathless poise in the afternoon sun.
Tangible desire fills me to the brim as I accept this truth in the moment…
Touching, holding, passion boiling deeply- so deeply within
Oh, recycling, breathing balancing the energy
Grounding, opening, loving self deeply-
Exploring the edges within, embodying powerful energy- letting be…
Can’t help but wonder about the lover within me
Patiently watching my fluidity dripping where the flame rises
To meet my cool water within…
Steam rises and moves through my body, exuding out of my skin
Caressing every part of me like the naked touch of a lover
Stay….. stay here in the in- between a while longer….
Study Self, learn about the hidden parts, the exposed
No more hiding from my own gaze, let me dance and writhe within it.
Build the deep, potent fragrance of truth until courage is all there is
My love affair with truth continues, no matter how bereft I am left….