There are times I lack flow,
There are times when I feel so heavy
All I can do is close my eyes
And give myself to me
Over and over again….
There may be no more beauty
than a sledge hammer.
There may be no more passion
Than a piece of cardboard.
But what is left in this moment?
What is left when all is peeled back
When I come, I sit in this place?
Me- prepared to face truth.
I needn’t act in any way
I needn’t impress others
I needn’t talk to anyone
I may just be here in all of my shit
In all of the self talk, in all of the ugliness
In all of the unmistakeable truth
And here, here I sit, here I breathe
Here, just here in my humanness
Learning to love all there is right now
To love all the fears, the ugliness, the broken bits
Being okay, being okay with just being okay.
Just me. Being just me. Exploring just me.
Featured art by Graham Dean
Click here for my latest meditation to support yourself right now.
I was contemplating after having my first night out with the girls dancing ‘just because’ and having fun for over fifteen years, what happened? Where did that time go? How did I wind up taking myself so god damned seriously? Oh, oh… responsibility. Kids. Marriage. Sleepless nights. Money woes…. oh, yes. I forgot…. But I did realise what inhibits me from being more present in my life now. I realised what I think about like a hamster in a wheel, constantly returning to set patterned thoughts within my mind. It revolves around still putting pressure on myself for things to look a certain way or wishing things could be different. Then I go into fix it mode. I spend more energy on trying to handle the situation so no one gets hurt. No one is put out. No one thinks little of me….What a waste of energy! When I was out, dancing to a dodgy band in a club with my old school friends from a ‘short’ time ago, I could feel my body come alive. Like CPR paddles jolting me alive with every beat the drummer played. The sweat forming, my muscles working to move me in whatever way my body felt called to be moved, and me pliable to every beat, note and chord felt. Letting the music move and writhe and sway my body which was slowly coming back to life…. The words: ‘Live, Live, LIVE’ echoed through me and reverberated like an endless thunderstorm deeply within as it pulsed through my body- the earth. Oh, to let go of control and let my body become the music…. sweet, sweet surrender…..
Here is a message for me that I got as an undercurrent when I was out. If it is for you, too then great!
‘It doesn’t have to be a quick snap- a quick change. Just step one step closer and when you know it’s time to step then do so. Do not force yourself to step based on others opinions, wait for that drum, that thunder inside to tell you. And that pressure you put on yourself on how things ‘should’ look, or how you wished things could be different….
This is it. This is your life.
So LIVE it
Whatever situation you find yourself in.
Live. Live. LIVE.
In the mud. In the heart break.
Live. Live. LIVE.
In the mourning. In the turmoil.
Live. Live. LIVE.
There is more to you.
So much more…..
Go inside. Feel that more.
Let go of control.
BE IN YOUR LIFE.
FEEL YOUR LIFE.
RADIATE YOUR LIFE.’
Wherever you are at with your soul path, it can be hard. But LIVE anyway. There is gold even in the shitty bits. Well, I’m reminding myself of that so I thought I’d remind you too.
To being real. To being authentic. To being here for ourselves in our precious life.
I’m here. Turning up. Who’s with me?
Let go…. let go into the night sky
No different from the expanse of the ocean….
Somewhere between the two,
In the space where the ocean and sky meet
Is where we rebirth- you and me…
Floating with both above and below
The invitation on the swell of the ocean
And the touch of the gentle breeze
Both praying for the same thing:
They whisper in unison,
From above, and from below
Poised in timeless, weightless space:-
“surrender, open, merge, allow…
surrender, open, merge, allow…
surrender, open, merge, allow….”
For there is more than what you see
More than just making money,
Or upholding the norm….
More than the friends you have
or the family you’re from…
The sacred mysteries come,
Come knocking and inviting,
Patiently inquiring and merging
within the depths of your soul.
“Is there more?” You’ve asked yourself before
And to this the answer you shall have
when opened to explore…
Courage is to open, to feel to trust
In the path not revealed,
but rather constantly unravelling…
But oh, what an exciting life awaits
On the other side of fear and restrictions.
More than a mere temptation,
And more than you’ve been told exists….
It beckons and becomes too loud to ignore
It’s down to choice and a willingness to see
At how passionate, and full, and sweet life can really be…
Sweat sizzling the body, breathless poise in the afternoon sun.
Tangible desire fills me to the brim as I accept this truth in the moment…
Touching, holding, passion boiling deeply- so deeply within
Oh, recycling, breathing balancing the energy
Grounding, opening, loving self deeply-
Exploring the edges within, embodying powerful energy- letting be…
Can’t help but wonder about the lover within me
Patiently watching my fluidity dripping where the flame rises
To meet my cool water within…
Steam rises and moves through my body, exuding out of my skin
Caressing every part of me like the naked touch of a lover
Stay….. stay here in the in- between a while longer….
Study Self, learn about the hidden parts, the exposed
No more hiding from my own gaze, let me dance and writhe within it.
Build the deep, potent fragrance of truth until courage is all there is
My love affair with truth continues, no matter how bereft I am left….
I am already soaked through to the bone from tending my garden, Tending to my weeds and exploring my inner plants… I implore you to saturate me to my core That I may feel my pulsing energy from within So that I may be immersed in the glorious Connection and reunion with you… Again and again and again Of this I will never get tired Saturate me so that my marrow purifies And opens to the blinding radiance Splaying untruths out of me… Let me whisper only prayers from my lips Poised in the timeless moment, surrendered With the passion of an alive body, Opening, opening, opening to be saturated once more Surround me, enter me, embrace me, love me- For I am soaked through in the ever connecting light Connection…. connection…. connection….. yes Love…. deep, potent and infinite – It never left.