There are times I lack flow,
There are times when I feel so heavy
All I can do is close my eyes
And give myself to me
Over and over again….
There may be no more beauty
than a sledge hammer.
There may be no more passion
Than a piece of cardboard.
But what is left in this moment?
What is left when all is peeled back
When I come, I sit in this place?
Me- prepared to face truth.
I needn’t act in any way
I needn’t impress others
I needn’t talk to anyone
I may just be here in all of my shit
In all of the self talk, in all of the ugliness
In all of the unmistakeable truth
And here, here I sit, here I breathe
Here, just here in my humanness
Learning to love all there is right now
To love all the fears, the ugliness, the broken bits
Being okay, being okay with just being okay.
Just me. Being just me. Exploring just me.
Featured art by Graham Dean
Click here for my latest meditation to support yourself right now.
Exposed for all to see
Truth cracks me open like an egg
The yoke of my heart ablaze
I am burning, burning, burning……..
Would it be ‘un holy’ to desire
Would it be ‘un holy’ to want to fuck?
Would it be ‘un holy’ to feel my skin standing up-
As if pleading for more of a delectable taste or touch…
Would it be ‘un holy’ to want to experience and explore in this world?
Would it be ‘un holy’ to actually live the life I wish to live?
Would it be ‘un holy’ to embody my desires, be truly aware of them?
Rather than to pretend they don’t exist and shove them back down again
This world can be so dry, so ‘pure’ in it’s piles of cowardice excrement
That the truth gets masked over
Gets watered down.
Get’s diluted so as to not shock, or alarm others,
To stay as a ‘good girl’.
To not ‘rock the boat’.
When truth rises to the surface, and it will….
When it detects the putrid stench of hiding
This is a time for raw, honest truth- or else it is in vain
And we fall back asleep again with a thousand woes.
To accept and surrender to who we really are,
What we really want,
Or to go on that path of finding out just what that is-
Without influence or conditioning placed upon us
Is perhaps the easiest translation of the ancient wisdom
Left for self realisation to know thyself intimately
And claim all parts left hidden in the shadows or underworld.
So often I have heard the words ‘let go’ and ‘surrender’…. but how often, I contemplated, do I truly, sincerely do this? How often do I stop searching, stop reaching for, and find myself ‘here’. Exactly where I need to be at the correct time. I have realised in my life, that there is a learning of letting go. A learning of stepping into the unknown without a map of how I am going to get on. Without being able to see. When I am in fear, and contracting so far away from the excitement of what may be around the corner and trusting that I have learnt the skills to be able to deal with it, then everything stands still. My openness to live life and enjoy the twists and turns reduces or becomes numb. And there it is I wallow in despair until I feel that soul essence within me once more. Until I feel the gorgeous alignments playing out. Until I feel the faith instil in me again, feeling truth and being courageous to step. This, this is the time to step, step into life fully. My mother keeps saying to me when she sees me, “I gave you life to LIVE, Elise.” I love that. There isn’t much advice I swallow from her anymore, but this cracks my heart open every time I hear it. And, heck, I’m going to back myself and do it. How about you?
I can feel the breeze at my back, the warmth in my heart and a thousand dreams ready to be plucked from the spaces in between and embodied. I know I am not alone in this. If I am in this wave of energy, then I know others are too. So many are stepping out into the unknown. Trusting in themselves. Ready to learn what needs to be learnt. Courageously open and supple in this world we find ourselves in. It is you I salute. It is you that I honour and in you I am connected.
I was contemplating after having my first night out with the girls dancing ‘just because’ and having fun for over fifteen years, what happened? Where did that time go? How did I wind up taking myself so god damned seriously? Oh, oh… responsibility. Kids. Marriage. Sleepless nights. Money woes…. oh, yes. I forgot…. But I did realise what inhibits me from being more present in my life now. I realised what I think about like a hamster in a wheel, constantly returning to set patterned thoughts within my mind. It revolves around still putting pressure on myself for things to look a certain way or wishing things could be different. Then I go into fix it mode. I spend more energy on trying to handle the situation so no one gets hurt. No one is put out. No one thinks little of me….What a waste of energy! When I was out, dancing to a dodgy band in a club with my old school friends from a ‘short’ time ago, I could feel my body come alive. Like CPR paddles jolting me alive with every beat the drummer played. The sweat forming, my muscles working to move me in whatever way my body felt called to be moved, and me pliable to every beat, note and chord felt. Letting the music move and writhe and sway my body which was slowly coming back to life…. The words: ‘Live, Live, LIVE’ echoed through me and reverberated like an endless thunderstorm deeply within as it pulsed through my body- the earth. Oh, to let go of control and let my body become the music…. sweet, sweet surrender…..
Here is a message for me that I got as an undercurrent when I was out. If it is for you, too then great!
‘It doesn’t have to be a quick snap- a quick change. Just step one step closer and when you know it’s time to step then do so. Do not force yourself to step based on others opinions, wait for that drum, that thunder inside to tell you. And that pressure you put on yourself on how things ‘should’ look, or how you wished things could be different….
This is it. This is your life.
So LIVE it
Whatever situation you find yourself in.
Live. Live. LIVE.
In the mud. In the heart break.
Live. Live. LIVE.
In the mourning. In the turmoil.
Live. Live. LIVE.
There is more to you.
So much more…..
Go inside. Feel that more.
Let go of control.
BE IN YOUR LIFE.
FEEL YOUR LIFE.
RADIATE YOUR LIFE.’
Wherever you are at with your soul path, it can be hard. But LIVE anyway. There is gold even in the shitty bits. Well, I’m reminding myself of that so I thought I’d remind you too.
To being real. To being authentic. To being here for ourselves in our precious life.
I’m here. Turning up. Who’s with me?
Let go…. let go into the night sky
No different from the expanse of the ocean….
Somewhere between the two,
In the space where the ocean and sky meet
Is where we rebirth- you and me…
Floating with both above and below
The invitation on the swell of the ocean
And the touch of the gentle breeze
Both praying for the same thing:
They whisper in unison,
From above, and from below
Poised in timeless, weightless space:-
“surrender, open, merge, allow…
surrender, open, merge, allow…
surrender, open, merge, allow….”
For there is more than what you see
More than just making money,
Or upholding the norm….
More than the friends you have
or the family you’re from…
The sacred mysteries come,
Come knocking and inviting,
Patiently inquiring and merging
within the depths of your soul.
“Is there more?” You’ve asked yourself before
And to this the answer you shall have
when opened to explore…
Courage is to open, to feel to trust
In the path not revealed,
but rather constantly unravelling…
But oh, what an exciting life awaits
On the other side of fear and restrictions.
More than a mere temptation,
And more than you’ve been told exists….
It beckons and becomes too loud to ignore
It’s down to choice and a willingness to see
At how passionate, and full, and sweet life can really be…
Sweat sizzling the body, breathless poise in the afternoon sun.
Tangible desire fills me to the brim as I accept this truth in the moment…
Touching, holding, passion boiling deeply- so deeply within
Oh, recycling, breathing balancing the energy
Grounding, opening, loving self deeply-
Exploring the edges within, embodying powerful energy- letting be…
Can’t help but wonder about the lover within me
Patiently watching my fluidity dripping where the flame rises
To meet my cool water within…
Steam rises and moves through my body, exuding out of my skin
Caressing every part of me like the naked touch of a lover
Stay….. stay here in the in- between a while longer….
Study Self, learn about the hidden parts, the exposed
No more hiding from my own gaze, let me dance and writhe within it.
Build the deep, potent fragrance of truth until courage is all there is
My love affair with truth continues, no matter how bereft I am left….
Life isn’t supposed to go to plan. How do we truly know what is the best for us anyway?
It feels important to admit that we don’t know. That this life baffles the mind- let’s face it we are born, we live a short childhood, a long adulthood and die (typically). Inside of that we need to make money to exist in this structure of society we live….. Fear can weigh us down. Recently, the thought crossed my mind ‘how did money become the main focus here?’. It somehow slips in when I am not looking and bunkers down deeply into my psyche like a bad house guest that won’t leave, stinking up the place. No. That’s not me, babe (Johnny Cash). I know that I KNOW there is something else and every time I get sucked into this fear based thinking I would love to be reminded- there’s more. I am going to check in with myself and ask: How do I feel right now? Just to pause and ask that question is going to help beyond the drama that may be going on.
I’ve decided to challenge myself, and feel free if you want to join me- I am going to ask myself the question, “Is this from fear or openness?” Then I can go into “How do I feel right now when I’m doing this/ being with this person/ going to work etc?” And finally, the best question of all, “What is the truth I am ready to see?”
I am going to challenge myself to live in the moment, to trust in the path, to make choices based on the above questions. If you feel ready, let’s do it together. Stay tuned…..