It is thick, gluggy- without flow
All else outside of this startling moment
Is non- existent, or rather cannot make its way in-
To nestle its way within my layers in any form of intimacy.
The only thing I can be intimate with is grief
Heavy, deep, thick grief.
It cannot be controlled by the mind
Or else it shall be blocked and the energy trapped…
It cannot be tamed or slayed
Or else its head shall rise like a serpent striking
When I least want it to…
No…. no… this heaviness needs its space to be within me.
And all I have to do is surrender to the intimacy
I have at this moment with my humanness expressing itself
through grief. And although I know this too shall pass-
I mustn’t turn away from how I feel. I open and turn to it
Welcoming it into my home as it has in fact arrived….
Gluggy, thick and slow I feel every ounce of it….
It slowly releases some energy as the tears fall silently….
Heart open, supple, raw…. feeling… feeling… feeling….
Giving it space to move if and when it wants to….
Knowing that I’ve got myself through all of this…
Holding my torch, trusting the timing of it all…
No matter the loss- all is still present, here now.
Open and receiving the gifts that living a life has-
One of them being the ability to feel emotions.
It’s what souls crave, what we are here for:
To be human and experience everything that comes with it.
The journey is a wild one, but wow- what a ride….
I wouldn’t have it any other way….
The ceiling I had just wasn’t a good fit. I tried to patch it when it got heavy- When it leaked, When it sagged, When it got stained… And now it has been completely destroyed. Taken down, pulled apart. In hasty renovations. I wasn’t ready, or so I thought. Mess everywhere… The work man apologised. Said it’s best that I not see the destruction phases But where was I to go? I was watching the perfection of it all- Unfolding before my very eyes as the ceiling crumbles…. He told me it will be like new, clean and undamaged when all is set right… I looked at the mess on the floor, The mess on the exposed skeleton of the ceiling And I saw my life. The one I tried to patch. The one with stains, marks, and things that are no longer a fit. I realised that I keep the ceiling there as it is. Patching and trying to mask the stains that inevitably bleed through For all to see. I feel like the exposed ceiling beams, naked and revealing…. I am witnessing it all as I sit outside watching the destruction happening within my home. As the ceiling crumbles…
Featured art by Zsuzsanna Tasi Written by Elise Heyward
I wish I could make you feel
the light that I see in you
The light that I feel flooding through
my body, through trees….and everything…
The energy that wants you to stop
That wants you to feel and not think
That wants you to experience- not force.
Faith is a burning deeply within me
Tears form in the knowing we are one
I can’t convince anyone, but I can know it
In my bones, in my whole body, in my hair
In every single cell in my body….
There is more. There.
More. I’ve seen it. I’ve felt it. I’ve embodied it. That which cannot be spoken… in concentration.
But every now and then you get glimpses of IT In everyday life- In your deja vu, or when you fall in love- In that first precious ignition That…. That- there IT is….
I serve one thing- IT- the light in you and me
In everyone. That truth, that power, that grace, that love….
That perfectly balanced energy beyond the individual
But within each of us…..
So, I will be here. Loving, passionately devoting myself
To that…. all of that…. Nothing less…
No matter if you see it or not.
I will still continue…
I will still continue…
I will still continue…
Your passionate servant
I yearn for the sweet, crisp wind blowing in my face,
The long dry grass tickling my legs,
The fresh flowers beautifying my gaze,
The scent of the flowers intoxicating my senses
I yearn for deep connected conversation
As I sprawl over pillows on the floor-
Relaxed and open and ignited by soul connection
With dear friends and truth filled words
I yearn for the fire to flare in my body
To burn and dissolve all that I thought myself to be
To entrance me in my dance and my inner gaze
My movement and simultaneous stillness
In that space where there is no separation
Between what is perceived as opposites
Oh, going into the depths of ecstasy
Of opened surrender and movement, of dance… Deliciously gyrating, and letting go, letting go, letting go…
I yearn to move with others in sacred ancient connection.
And simultaneously to be aware of my depth, witnessing and still.
For those of us who have touched such moments
Are changed forever and left parched dry
For the fluidity of another gathering, being beautifully vulnerable, supported and held in unconditional love and humbled in truth. Traversing the realms and timelessness, Embodying truth and living it in our lives.
Having a sense of belonging in this crazy world.
Connected, we rise and fall in the life we each lead…
But never, never are we ever alone.
There are times I lack flow,
There are times when I feel so heavy
All I can do is close my eyes
And give myself to me
Over and over again….
There may be no more beauty
than a sledge hammer.
There may be no more passion
Than a piece of cardboard.
But what is left in this moment?
What is left when all is peeled back
When I come, I sit in this place?
Me- prepared to face truth.
I needn’t act in any way
I needn’t impress others
I needn’t talk to anyone
I may just be here in all of my shit
In all of the self talk, in all of the ugliness
In all of the unmistakeable truth
And here, here I sit, here I breathe
Here, just here in my humanness
Learning to love all there is right now
To love all the fears, the ugliness, the broken bits
Being okay, being okay with just being okay.
Just me. Being just me. Exploring just me.
Featured art by Graham Dean
Click here for my latest meditation to support yourself right now.
Exposed for all to see
Truth cracks me open like an egg
The yoke of my heart ablaze
I am burning, burning, burning……..
Would it be ‘un holy’ to desire
Would it be ‘un holy’ to want to fuck?
Would it be ‘un holy’ to feel my skin standing up-
As if pleading for more of a delectable taste or touch…
Would it be ‘un holy’ to want to experience and explore in this world?
Would it be ‘un holy’ to actually live the life I wish to live?
Would it be ‘un holy’ to embody my desires, be truly aware of them?
Rather than to pretend they don’t exist and shove them back down again
This world can be so dry, so ‘pure’ in it’s piles of cowardice excrement
That the truth gets masked over
Gets watered down.
Get’s diluted so as to not shock, or alarm others,
To stay as a ‘good girl’.
To not ‘rock the boat’.
When truth rises to the surface, and it will….
When it detects the putrid stench of hiding
This is a time for raw, honest truth- or else it is in vain
And we fall back asleep again with a thousand woes.
To accept and surrender to who we really are,
What we really want,
Or to go on that path of finding out just what that is-
Without influence or conditioning placed upon us
Is perhaps the easiest translation of the ancient wisdom
Left for self realisation to know thyself intimately
And claim all parts left hidden in the shadows or underworld.
I surrender, Oh I can no longer put up the walls before truth
Of love, of the ultimate connection
Of passionate embodiment, of laying alone,
Of being touched by that which cannot be explained
Of that which flows through my body,
Of that which I denied for lifetimes
Of that which no longer harbours denial.
No, take me beyond-
So far beyond that I am deeply, oh so deeply embedded within myself.
So that there is no separation
Oh, use these hands to do your will,
Use my eyes to dwell upon what I must,
Use my heart as a doorway to you
Use my body for deep connection
Take me beyond the smallness
I may wish to keep or my own egotistical reasons
Take me beyond, far beyond.
Let my soul touch and be touched by you
Let me serve you within me and without me.
Let there be a sacred connection, a bond, a knowing
That can never be spoken, such is the truth.
Let me serve the unknown, rich and potent.
I am yours…..
Featured Art by Jeffrey Lohrius
Written by Elise Heyward
Floating yet grounded, Being touched deeply within Yet not at all Beauty caresses and engulfs me As I stand exactly where I am In a time warp of entangled time Tapping into desires unmet Truth stabbing into my being Like a long lost lover From a long lost dream…. Twisting and turning, Haunting me like a solo violin Cutting through the thick air- Of excitement, anticipation and fear…. A whisper echoes, traces of something A scent left lingering The energy felt An inner stirring of a life once known A deep remembering, a knowing Rising to the surface Wisdom speaks and says ‘be patient’ And so, I sit. I breathe this fire Up and down and around my body Igniting and fuelling every crevice I am alone- yet intimately connected Truth lies in timelessness- In the gentle reminder All will be revealed in time Or perhaps not at all- Let go:- Be still, and feel…. Be still and feel….. Be still and feel…..
It is the pause between the notes played where the music is most felt and experienced…. It is the pause between the in breath and the out breath where the unknown and peace dwells…. It is in the pause of the open, connected, courageously vulnerable naked gaze into another’s eyes where true intimacy is experienced and explored….. The pause…. oh, the pause…. so delicately balanced, holding the opposites of emotional drama with stillness and silence… of unwavering witness with quivering anticipation of the next ‘note’…. This silence, oh sweet delectable silence that highlights the energy within the most potently intimate crevices of our beings and interactions. May we never lose an opportunity to experience the simple delights that life has to offer. May our lives become a beautiful symphony.